Fool Of Me

And I have allowed you to make me feel… I feel so dumb. What kind of fool am I? You so easily set me aside.
-Me’shell Ndegeocello

The weekend started off beautifully and filled with love. It was Valentine’s Day, we were guests at my brother’s wedding, and my version of a welcoming hug was more of a welcoming tackle. It’d been a little over a month since I last saw him, and I couldn’t have been more elated. I was so happy – happy to see him, happy to touch him, just happy to be in his presence. There wasn’t anywhere else I’d rather be.

As I laid next to a sleeping Mr. Man the following morning, all I could do was smile and adore the person before me. He just looked so peaceful, loving, and innocent. I left him with a gentle kiss upon his cheek, and went out for my daily errands. Still ecstatic about him being there, my entire being was filled with glitter, rainbows, and butterflies. I had no worries, no concerns, and life seemed perfect…until I returned home.

With my first step through the threshold, my stomach plummeted and the presence my intuition was stronger than ever. The vibe was off and I knew immediately that something just..wasn’t right. Typical, optimistic me, I brushed it off, and continued to greet him with a hug and kiss. We chatted for a bit, then began to get ready for the wedding. He stepped into the shower, and my intuition returned once again. It was as if his phone called my name, and that feeling deep in my gut wouldn’t allow me to resist it’s summoning.

The sending of photos from her – and him….his greeting of “good morning beautiful….the lack of acknowledgement of our, relationship..
I placed the phone back in place, and sat and stared into space. I was numbed, and was without any form of strategy for handling this matter that was just dropped at my feet. He left the bathroom, and continued to dress in my room. I’d proceeded to the shower and allowed myself to be consumed within its running waters. Surrounded by its figurative walls of security, I found “comfort” in knowing he couldn’t hear my cry. As the tears flooded, I broke and I could almost hear my mended heart shatter against the tile, into a million pieces. As I stood there holding my stomach, I been to gasp for air and my composure. I’d allowed him to make me another lost, foolish, and secondary soul; and I had no where to turn.

It was a constant struggle to hide my pain behind that forced smile, but I fought through it right up until the conclusion of the weekend. After avoiding it until the last hour, I finally sat him down to confess my findings. But I couldn’t do it; not without giving him the change to confess his faults. I told him about my lingering intuition and asked that if he had anything to own up to, to please do so. His head hang low; and with his gaze straight ahead, he told me there was nothing. In that moment, I never knew an already broken heart could be broken, again..

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